I was having a conversation with someone this week and a problem I was working through came up. They offered some advice, but here’s the thing… I wasn’t looking for a solution! I see this pattern far too often with technical leaders who want to “problem solve.” You see this in relationships too, where one person is trying to problem solve, and the other wants to be heard or acknowledged. In my case, I wanted to let off some steam. Pre-COVID, this would normally be over a beer and well understood. The cues are much harder to see over teleconferencing, so keep this in mind with your 1-1s.

A good leader recognises when people want empathy and that they don’t want solutions. The book, “Difficult Conversations” explains this very well. This frustration emerges because we are having two types of conversation. I was having the “Feeling” conversation (e.g. “Agree that it was a silly situation!”) and the other person was having a “What Happened” conversation (e.g. “But did you try X?”) This happens all the time.

I think that developers in leadership roles find this more difficult. I know I fall into this trap still! One of the core skills of a developer is to problem solve. Most of us do it out of habit than purposefully. To counteract this, I try to remind myself to move into coaching mode, as a way of consciously dampening my default problem solving mode.

Sometimes the best thing to do as a leader is to bite your tongue when you want to provide a solution. Ask questions to find out what the person is looking for. It might simply be a bit of empathy, and time to be listened to.

I hope you enjoy this week’s content. If you find it useful, please forward to someone else and send me feedback. Stay safe and healthy 🙏

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